Pepperoni

I know, you're thinking: "Really? More pictures of meat?  Really?" But this was just too much fun and too new (to me) to not blog about, even if just briefly.  Above is what 10 #'s of home grown, butchered, ground, processed, mixed, stuffed, smoked, dried and sliced pepperoni looks like.  Really, really fun. And yummy!  I think it turned out great; it isn't that weird gummy slimy stuff like what you buy at the store.  It tastes like sausage, just pepperoni flavored.

And, just FYI, if anyone ever wonders why I do this stuff; it's because its fun.  I know the labor I've got invested is off-the-charts high...  I don't even want to know how many hours I've got in this pepperoni alone.

Sleepy girls and lazy parenting

So we have this elaborate system of "self balancing" bed-times and wake-up times in our house that are supposed to encourage morning responsibility in our children.  Herself and I are not micro managers, so essentially it is like this: we have a few absolutes vis: 1: Children must have a certain amount of sleep time available to them, 2: Chores must get done.  3: Children must be ready for school by 6:20 (breakfast time) Everything else is variable.

For instance, if the chores do not get done one morning, then obviously they did not have enough time to complete them, so they must be responsible for waking up 15 minutes earlier the next morning.  But since they must have a certain amount of sleep time available to them, that usually means that they need to go to bed 15 minutes earlier the night before.  In this fashion, they are actually making decisions each morning (how hard they are working) that directly affect their bed time later that night and what time they are getting up the next morning. It really is about 2 parts Intentional Parenting and about 98 parts Lazy Parenting.  I see the advantages of children who realize the direct consequences of their actions, but mostly I just hate nagging them to do their chores.

At various times we have had one child that was getting up at 4:something in the morning, and going to bed at 6:30 (ish? I'm not good with details) which means she had to scramble to get supper eaten and cleaned up (Herself and I also don't really do dishes anymore- again: Lazy Parenting).  I told this child at one point that if she continued to fail at chore completion, and if I needed to, I would come to school and pick her up and take her home early in order for her to get to bed early enough... How embarrassing for a Jr. higher!  It didn't come to that, though.

This posting wasn't really meant to be a parenting lecture; I was just trying to give a little background for my funny story.  But anyway, we ran into a little snag on our elaborate Lazy Parenting Scheme: sometimes the girls just lay in bed with their alarms going off for 10 minutes, sleeping through it while others in the household who have earned the privilege of sleeping in are woken up.  Herself came up with a Win/Win solution for this: Daddy likes to wake girls by squirting them in the face with a squirt bottle/ Girls getting woken up by getting squirted in the face with a squirt bottle wakes them up and discourages them sleeping through alarms!  Genius!!  You see why I married this woman???  We set up a 2 minute rule; if the alarm gets shut off within 2 minutes, no facial squirting.   It fit in really nicely with our Lazy Parenting Style, since regardless of when the girls are supposed to get up, I am almost always up anyway.

Okay, on the first morning we implemented this new idea, I'm sitting in my chair in the wee hours of the morning reading my book with my squirt bottle filled and ready, listening for alarms.  Hark! At 5:00, I hear that musical BEEP, BEEP, BEEP- silence.  Oh, drat! She shut it off! So I am left, alone and disappointed.  But about 10 minutes later, I get up to get a cup of coffee and glance back to her bedroom and notice there is no light on!  I instantly assume that she shut off her alarm, but crawled back into bed and went to sleep!  Oh joy! Here is righteous opportunity to squirt a girl awake with my squirt bottle!!! I grab my bottle, tear down the hall, rip the door open, flip the light on, and begin hosing down Second Oldest Daughter in the face, and proceed to rip off bed covers and squirt any and all available skin showing; feet, legs, neck, etc.with cold blasts of water.

I don't know if those of you who actually know Second Oldest Daughter realize this about her, but she is what is commonly referred to as a "SPAZ."  By this I mean that when she gets startled or suddenly realized something, it is always followed by wild gesticulation, usually hand/arm tossing, leg pump (whether she is sitting or standing) and her whole body moving.  This was the case that cheery morning as I was spraying her down in bed.  It looked like she was doing horizontal calisthenics while in bed.  And as I'm spraying her, she begins to shout nonsense stuff that makes no sense at all to me at first, but slowly my brain finally puts together that she is saying that it wasn't her alarm going off at all, but her sister's, downstairs.

"Oh... sorry... I'm gonna... go outside... your room now... Have a good morning"

Awkward!
I went out in the hallway, and looked downstairs and saw the light on of Oldest Daughter, and could hear industrious sounds coming out of her room.  Hmmm.  I went back to Second Oldest Daughter bedroom and stood outside her door for a moment.  Then I knocked, came in and said "So, I'm going to squirt you one more time, just for fun, I think."  She said "Okay" and so I did.  Then left.  End of story.

On My Magnum Opus

I went to a funeral a while back and after listening to people go on about some of the great things that this person did, it made me re-evaluate my own life.  What would I want people to say about me at my funeral?  This is what I would people to know about me:

Last summer, we re-paved our parking lot.  The 60-something obese gangsta-looking guy (complete with gold bling on his teeth that matched his gold rings on nearly every finger) that was doing the paving, suggested that we include a Handicapped parking stall when he striped in the yellow lines after re-paving.  I agreed, and thought it would be funny to have him paint the Handicap sign on the stall where Tim Dawson always parks, in front of Janitorial Supply.  I was right; it was funny.  It kind of bothered him to park in his favorite spot, he felt pretty dirty parking over a Handicap sign right in front of the building.  We gave him the usual razzing about parking where the old ladies should be able to, etc, but he still held dearly to his favorite spot.

This went on for a few weeks, until one day I was walking into the building, when I had a flash of inspiration.  Tim needs a parking ticket! I asked Haley if she could manufacture a City of Hutchinson parking ticket.  In less than an hour, she had printed off a prototype of a parking ticket, complete with bar code and the flashy City of Hutchinson logo.  The only thing I changed was I had her increase the violation cost from $75.00 to $250.00. She then printed it onto yellowish card stock, trimmed it, then I filled it out in ink.  When I went to sign it, I just glanced around my desk, and my eyes fell upon a work order for a patio cover with the customer name being, Kay Washington (name changed), so I signed it as Officer "K. Washington" and put it in my desk drawer.

I should take this time to describe Tim to you if you don't know him.  If you do know him, you know him to be a genuine person, eager to help, and really decent guy.  But... he is a little... um, lets say: volatile.  Yeah, that is the word; volatile!  The dictionary describes it as: "liable to change rapidly and unpredictably, especially for the worse."  Look it up, you'll see what he looks like too.  Easy to provoke, or get wound up; it provides us with no end of fun at the office...

So, later that week, on Friday, I enlisted Debbie from Janitorial Supply to help by sticking the ticket under the wiper blade while I took Tim to lunch.  While eating, Gary and I had whipped Tim up into a "frenzied lather" by giving him a perpetually hard time, about everything he was doing wrong, and just giving him grief in a big way.  He was really ready to be done with lunch by the time I brought him back to the office.  As we pulled into the parking lot, I saw one of my customers waiting there for someone at the other end of the building, as Haley was on her lunch break.  I was so frustrated that I had to take care of her because it meant missing Tim's reaction when he got the ticket!  Turns out she just needed a couple of parts, so I sprinted back to the shop, grabbed the parts, and bagged them for her, and told her there was no charge so I could get her out of the door faster; then rushed down the hall to the front desk of Janitorial Supply, where Tim would be, and casually opened the door to find Tim.  It had been about 10 minutes since I dropped him off.

There was Tim, sitting down, arms over his head, frowning, with his face the same shade as the Safety Cones on the road during maintenance and repair.  I will recount the conversation as dialogue thusly:

Me: Hows it going?

Tim: I GOT SET UP!

Me:  What?

Tim:  I'M TELLING YOU, I GOT SET UP!

Me: What are you talking about?

Tim: I'm telling you;  I GOT SET UP! That's the only way they could have know I was parking there!

Me: Dude, a little help here; what are you talking about?

Tim: I got a parking ticket for parking in a handicapped zone!

Me: So? You always park in that handicapped zone, don't you?  What did you expect?

Tim:  There ain't no way in the world there was a cop driving by on 4th Ave that could tell I was parked over a handicapped sign, and pulled in here to give me a ticket!  The only way he could have known, is if someone turned me in!!

Me:  Oh, come on!  Who would do that?

Tim: I don't know, but I'm going to figure it out!!!

Me: It was probably some little old lady that was tired of you hogging the closest parking spot!

Tim: (looking at ticket again) TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS???!! Oh, My ---!!!  Blankety, blank, blank blanking cops, blankty, blank, blankin' blanks blankety blank! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!

Me: Seems like a lot...

Tim: I'm gonna figure out who did this...

Me:  Yeah, terrible.

Tim: I'm going down there to the Police Station to give that dirty blankety blank blank Keith a piece of my mind!

Me:  (Confused) Keith? Who is Keith?

Tim: Yeah, Keith Washington, the cop!  I whipped his tail at golf last year, and I bet he just laughed and laughed when he wrote up that ticket!  blankty, blank, blankin' blanks blankety blank! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!! (loudly, and with gusto)

(Remember I wrote K. Washington as the signature?)

Me: (A little nervous) Um, just promise me you will let me know if you decide to go down there, ok?
Tim: TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS???!!!  I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!

Me: He's just doing his job, man!

Tim: Yeah, but in this case he was probably loving life, just laughing as he was writing out that ticket!

Me: Come on, man, how would you feel if someone hated your guts just because you sell toilet paper?  He's just doing his job.

Tim: TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!!! blankty, blank, blankin' blanks blankety blank! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!

Me: Yeah, seems high.

This goes on and on for about 10 more minutes...

Me: Well I've got stuff to do, let me know if you do decide to go down there; I'll go with you.

I go into my office and work for about 20 minutes...Then return to Janitorial Supply to talk to Tim.  He is much calmed down, but still quite agitated.  I was originally going to let him twist all weekend, but decided that he couldn't take it for so long.

Me: I've been thinking about that ticket, and it makes ME mad!

Tim: Me too!

Me:  I don't like the idea of them cops coming onto my property and passing out tickets in front of my building.  He had no idea that you weren't a customer!  That's bad for business!  That could have been our best customer, and he be mad at us for getting a ticket.  Is that even legal?

Tim: That's what I'm saying!!!

Me: (getting all grim) I ought to go down there and talk to that jerk.

Tim: (getting nervous) Now wait a minute, Dan, I'm kinda over it.

Me: I'm hacked!  What right do they have to do that?  That could drive customers away if they felt they could be targeted!  It was just a stupid joke, painting that sign there anyway.

Tim: Its alright, I'll pay it, I'll own, it; I parked there.

Me: No! Its not alright!  I'll pay it, but first I'll give those guys a piece of my mind; lemme have that ticket!

Tim: Really, man, its OKAY!  I'll just pay it!

Now at this point, I should explain, and I've no idea of the validity of this, but Tim at least, was under the impression that if you tear up a ticket, you could and would be thrown in jail.  I have never heard of this...

Me: (taking ticket) I'm going down there to shove this thing where the sun don't shine! (I rip ticket in half)

Tim: Hey, you can't do that, they'll throw me in Jail!!

Me: oh, yeah, well screw them! They got no right to come on my property and enforce stupid traffic violations!  (and seeing Tim's shocked expression,  I ripped it into about 10 more pieces and threw them in the air.)

Tim: (to Debbie) Oh Mah Gahd!!! THEY GONNA THROW ME IN JAY-EL!!!!

(I go stomping out doors)

So then I turn around and go back in the store and see him scrambling on the floor picking up pieces of tickets.

I told him, "Hey, um, Tim, it was all just a prank;  I had Haley make the ticket."
He stands up, looks at me open mouthed.  "Huh?" he says.  "Yeah, and Debbie put it under your wiper blade while we were at lunch".  He just stares at me for 30 seconds, the color going back into his face, returning to safety cone orange.  "A Joke?" he says.  "Yeah,"  I reply, "just a joke."  At this point I'm literally backing up, because he starts looking like he might take a swing, and I don't want to have to defend myself against someone that was my friend just 5 minutes ago.  "A prank, huh?" he asks again.  "Yeah, just a joke; I've been planning it all week."

So he abruptly leaves the office.  He comes back in about an hour, in a better mood, and admits that was the best prank ever played.

I can die happy now...

Catching up

Typically, when I haven't posted for a while, it's not because I haven't been doing anything; it's because I've been busy enough that I haven't been able to write anything.  I think that has been the case here these last few months.  Here is something of a pictorial review of some the activities of 2015 thus far:

Butchered another hog.

Stuffed 100 pounds of rope sausage, including Kielbasa, pepperoni, and German sausage. 

Processing bacon.

Smoked bacon.

I've done a lot of cooking, actually.  Here are three Pork tenderloins that turned out great.

Made a rabbit pie, the hard way.  (shooting the rabbit and making the crust yourself, with your own lard you rendered)
And Yes, I made the Pie, and the crust myself, NOT my wife.

Rabbit pie ingredients (minus the radishes) 

I purchased 4 new sheep.  These are called "Dorpers".  They are a hair sheep, and are a heavy framed meat sheep, specifically bred for meat production.  (As they should be, at my house)  Don't they just look yummy?

Diligently worked on growing facial hair that stuck out further than my nose.

Built most of a milking stanchion.

Grew still more facial hair...

Tore the roof and all the siding off of my house, and replaced all the windows.

Herself and I went to the Pacific side of Mexico; Puerto Vallarta, to celebrate 15 years of marriage.

Selfie in Mexico

On the Pacific ocean boardwalk.

Herself, in Mexico...

Started a Donkey farm. (not really; they are just "Loaner-Donkeys.")

Nearly got my Grandad's '49 KB-5 IH truck restored.

Had new baby twin lambs!!! Yay! Just 2 days ago.

Not pictured here are two more heifers that I bought... maybe pictures later.  Did I mention that Herself thinks I'm a little "over the top" on some of my hobbies?