Yes, I've done it again; posted another completely un-funny, over-wordy, introspective blog that will be of benefit to no one but myself that few if any will have time to read. I know I seldom take time to read about other's torments. But I do feel better for it; I can't seem to flesh out my thoughts with out pen and paper (so to speak).
definition:
Survivor, survivor's, or survivors guilt or syndrome is a mental
condition that occurs when a person perceives themselves to have done wrong by
surviving a traumatic event when others did not.
As
some of you will know, my family and I made a quick trip to colorado last week
to attend the memorial of Wifey's 1st cousin, Paul (son of our very dear Aunt
and Uncle) who tragically died from a drug overdose last week at age 31.
Paul, in so many ways, was the guy everybody would want to be, friendly and
outgoing, a stranger to no one, and a joy to be around. While I haven't spent
much time around him in the last several years, I understood that he had some
issues with addictions that he just couldn't seem to shake, despite some
serious efforts on his part. Again, while I can't say that I knew him
well and knew that he was saved, I feel that I know his parents well enough to
be able to take their word for it that if they believed he was, then I do too;
not that ultimately it makes one lick of difference what I believe, anyway.
It is especially striking to me as I always saw so many similarities between
Paul and myself, besides the obvious similarities in doing drugs and being in
rebellion towards God.
We
went, and mostly said nothing to our dear Aunt and Uncle, tried to stay out of
their way and just show them that we loved them. It wasn't hard to say nothing;
it felt like there was nothing to say, besides you don't much feel like
chatting after just 3 hours of sleep and an eight hour drive. It was so
heart breaking to be there with them in their grief, though they bore it like
heroes. Uncle even gave the eulogy, and the gospel was so well presented; I
really felt that the service honored both God and Paul well.
I'm
not sure how to go about explaining this, since it's so muddy in my own brain;
but I do have some amount of guilt associated with Paul's death. I always just
assumed that "he would get his act together," much as I did finally,
well into adulthood, when I finally found God to be an irresistible force, and my own will broken. In
retrospect, it seems so easy, so simple, I just made the decisions, then
executed them from there. First "a", then "b", etc. I've
often confessed to people that I have little compassion for people in similar
situations. As I learned more and more of Paul's situation, I began feeling
depressed; evil seems such a force, and so powerful. I have been in a
funk all weekend, so overwhelmed by all the emotions of others and my own, that
I felt completely spent, and didn't want to go to the remembrance meeting this
morning; yet so glad that I did. I struggled the whole meeting, wanting to say
something, yet not really having anything to say, but the singing this morning
was particularly sweet to me, probably because I wasn't participating. I
just sat back and listened to half a hundred or so saints washing the filth
from my soul with pure voices lifting praises and thanksgiving to our
lord.
I
write this sitting in the sun shine, on an ipad, from the seat of a four
wheeler, watching my four perfectly healthy, beautiful children playing and
screaming and splashing in my own pond, on my own place with just enough breeze
to keep me from being too warm, lest I be uncomfortable. I don't know
about everybody else, but this seems as close to paradise on this side of
heaven as it is likely to get. Here I sit, fulfilled and content with a belly
full of home raised ham I ate for Sunday lunch, while Paul lies still in
refrigeration because his estranged wife literally can't find her way out of
Pennsylvania to Colorado in order to sign the paperwork to finish his
cremation. Does this seem fair? Does this seem like justice? Is this because of some merit of my own? Some great decision making
process that Paul missed out on? I don't think so... But I'm reluctant to
attribute it all to God; it makes him seem so capricious, so fickle, as if
there is some great lottery that we are all a part of, whether we like it or
not, when we know from his word that he desires all to be saved, and those of
us that are to be holy. It wasn't that one of us didn't have great
parents; we both did. We were both taught the great truths from our cradles.
Why is it that I don't now ever struggle with addictions to illegal drugs, even
after I threw my whole being into them? Why do I seemingly suffer little if any
adverse effects in my relationship with my wife despite living an impure life,
not to mention one that was at that time of my life centered around
pornography? Can you see why I am interested in this? Why this bothers me? Even
if not for my own sake, but for the sake of me as a parent?
I
find, however, that I am not alone in my affliction, which helps. I texted my
good friend, who currently lives in the obscenely far off state of Texas two
words : "survivor's guilt" and about a six word description of
what happened to Paul, and that was the extent of the conversation; rather one
sided. Two days later I get a long email complete with verses that help
tremendously. More than anything, I find it comforting and amusing that with
just a short cryptic message that he was able to identify and relate to in some
real way, my guilt for having lived through and even thrive where others
haven't. I do believe that Paul's death was the most merciful of acts from the
father. I just give him praise that he doesn't give justice to all such as me.
Here
is one verse that was meaningful to me:
12 I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who
has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into
service, 13 even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a
violent aggressor. Yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief;
14 and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love
which are found in Christ Jesus. 15 It is a trustworthy statement, deserving
full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among
whom I am foremost of all. 16 Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me
as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an
example for those [l]who would believe in Him for eternal life. 17 Now to the
King [m]eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory
[n]forever and ever. Amen.
And also, for those of you who literally have nothing better to do than follow my links around the internet, here is a new take on an old song that my friend and I are in agreement that is meaningful to both of us:
http://joshgarrels.bandcamp.com/track/farther-along
This link will take to the artist's website where you can listen for free, read the lyrics, and download the album for free if you desire.
