Paid in full!

The print is small enough on this that it is probably illegible to the naked eye; it is a 5 year promissory note, in which details the terms and conditions that I will pay back the bank for the moneys they loaned me in order for me to buy my business, nearly 5 years ago. We paid it off yesterday. Yay.  Double-Yay.

It really is quite exciting to me; the fun of it just seems muted because of sitting down this morning and reading through emails of several people that I care deeply about going through very serious health problems; some of them terminal; and some of them will likely read this very blog.  

This is a difficult part of life for me; people.  As a Christian, you are involved with people you have to care about, its not that its required, you just don't really get the choice, you are family.  I've told Wifey occasionally after church that I just feel so exhausted from all the emotions floating around the meeting. There are my own emotions (some) during a good meeting or worship, or other's hardship prayer request, or even praises.  It all presses upon me, and sometimes gets quite overwhelming.  The thing I tell Wifey is that people are SOoo expensive.  Expensive in time (a precious commodity in my house) and expensive in emotions.  That is why I'm so impressed with people who truly commit their lives to others, people that pour out of their own life and into those people who can't really give back, and don't "get it."  People who don't "get" how to succeed at life in general, people who don't "get" how to turn their life over to Christ, needy people.  In other words, the people who Christ would have been ministering to on a daily basis.  

Its hard enough for me to really open up to people that I understand, with whom I identify with.  I recognize that in developing a relationship with someone, anyone, I am inviting pain upon myself because when know someone, and truly love them, you hurt when they hurt.   And people hurt.  

My oldest boy (8) feels it too.  During our prayer request time at church last week, he whispered to Herself to pray for our Dear Aunt, who has stage 4 cancer.  By the time She whispered to me it was too late, and the Prayer had already started.  I looked over at him, clearly upset that our Dear Aunt was not getting prayed for, choking back tears, frustrated with himself, and frustrated with me not moving fast enough.  I did bring it up as a prayer request after the prayer time, but when I asked him about it later, he said "well,  if everybody wasn't going to pray for her, I just decided that I would pray for her my own self."  He is obviously invested in her life, just as she has obviously invested in his.  She called yesterday, to speak to him on the phone, and it was so touching seeing them talk, I think it was good for him to speak to her, even though very painful and difficult for both of them.  I bet, if in 70+ years he gets cancer, he will remember that call clearly, and maybe invest in some young person's life as well.  My clueless youngest finally noticed all the teary eyes around and kept asking what was wrong.  When I told him how ill our Dear Aunt was, he burst into tears and was in stunned disbelief for some time.

I don't really know where this blog is going, or why I'm blogging it.  I'm certainly not trying to get anyone to  feel sorry for me because I'm sad that other people have cancer; that would seem horribly small and selfish.  And I"m certainly not complaining about the burden of my own hurt because of these suffering people who have poured rewards into my life for years.  I guess that I maybe I'm just recognizing the emotional heavy work that comes with a relationship.  I ache deeply for these people.  I feel so bad for them, for their families.  And I'm fighting off the insular inclinations that are following, the impulse that I need to wall up other relationships before they get too important to ignore.  I feel like flipping the old sign around in the storefront:  Sorry, we are emotionally closed!  I am struggling with an even stronger compulsion to withdrawn into my own little inner circle and not reach out, yet I think of what Christ did for all of us losers, who were lost and didn't seem much of a prize to anyone, and yet were pulled up from the pit and redeemed.  Here is a  stanza from one of my favorite hymns:

Oh, Jesus, Lord, who loved me like to Thee?
Fruit of Thy work, with Thee, too, there to see
Thy glory, Lord, while endless ages roll,
Myself the prize and travail of Thy Soul.

That last seems unlikely, but I guess I believe it.  Christ didn't stop until he had similar paperwork like the one above; 
Paid in Full.