A small announcement about a new “look” that I have been sporting this week. Many of you will be used to my old “look”; the rough and rugged “Construction Dan.” No more, though... Many of you may have heard of the “Metro-sexual”, men who are heterosexual, but care greatly about their appearances, and are very interested in the grooming of one’s self. I took a few radical steps in that direction this last weekend. Allow me to describe the new me:
I got a new hairdo, one that is considerably shorter in front. I also had the eyebrows “sculpted” and even my eyelashes, and yes, also my beard. I had a facial treatment done, from my collar up, to darken my appearance. Directly after my treatment, my eyeglasses were “smoked” so dark that I could barely see through them. And yes, I am sure that you all are asking yourselves if I treated myself to that ultimate luxury of self-pampering; the manicure. Of course, I did; I got the very latest in manicure fashion, one that makes your fingernails appear whitish-yellow without actually applying fingernail polish, and has the added benefit of making your first three fingers and thumb red and look like bratwurst over the grill about to pop. And to crown the new me, I topped it off with a favorite scent: the Odour de la Singed Hair.
You might be asking your self “how can a busy guy like Dan, business owner, husband, father of four, active church member, maintainer of 20 acre Farmlet manage to still find the time to pamper himself?” Easy! Let me introduce my new self care beauty treatment product: “Flash Make-Over”. It’s perfect for every busy person looking for a quick spruce-up. Included in every kit comes 2 small kegs of gunpowder to pour out and light on your driveway, one slow burning to give you confidence, and then one that Flashes instantly when lit, turning your complexion into a lovely charcoal-gray tone, and trims your hair, including beard, mustache, nose, head, and ear hair! Tired of meticulous hair trimming? Let “Flash Make-Over” do it! It takes less than a second! Also has been known to produce charming pit-marks in your glasses to add individual personality to your new look! Don’t forget that with this purchase comes the instant mani-cure, (one hand only) that turns your fingers into delicious looking bratwursts! Guaranteed that pus wont start oozing from blisters for at least 48 hours. Where else can you find all this beauty treatment in low priced kit?!
Remember, result may vary and past performance is no indicator of future results.
2 16 oz. kegs of gunpowder: $19.95
1 Lighter : $ .79
Medicated burn ointment: $4.98
Having your new employees mock you because your "sausage fingers" won't let you squeeze together a set of 'snips at work?: Priceless!
4 comments:
I think we need a picture to really sell us. Maybe a before and after?
Geeez, Dan...seriously, you and my husband...I think it was the week before last that Jason had the distinct smell of singed hair lingering after him (mixed with a hint of gasoline). I hadn't taken a look at him yet, but he was carefully analyzing the results of his own facial experiment. Luckily, he only had a more distinct receding hairline...not exactly the look he was aiming for, but hey what can you expect when your only willing to splurge on a zippo?
Gas is even more affordable at $3.479 for 128 ounces. Just pour in a large circle with a trail extending some 8 feet away light and rotate head quickly to the side for a nice "wave" look.
Was this a teachable moment for your young'uns? How else are they going to learn the fine art of playing in the fire?
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